this is me

This is me
patched just enough that the lights can come through
still choking on sharp broken pieces of you
this is me
repeating the startling poisonous pleadings
this is me ripping and running and fleeing
this is me slipping on moments and meanings
this is me knowing and keeping on being.

This is me
removed and replaced with the messy and missing
this is me reeling with messy misgivings
this is me
beating steady on the broken connections
this is me trying hard to detangle the lessons.

This is me
patched up and stitched back together
this is me picking up splinters and feathers
this is me looking for message and meaning
in make-believe stories of made-over messes.

This is me.
This is me.
Meaning to fix this.
This is me needing to unmix the madness 

and seal up the shots 

through the dripping and darkness.

This is me

needing you

to stop jumping on landmines
and crossing the muddied, black poisonous border lines.

This is me
begging you
to stop just for a minute
and look at the me that you wasted your time with.

This is me patient and stopped and in place
breathing 

and counting 

and watching you race
this is me
needing you
and you spinning in space.

disarray

I don’t enjoy this feverish fighting
your attention

always waning
pushing me in your direction
forcing you toward my attention

I don’t like the scars I’ve gathered
ripping roaring torn and bothered

I don’t want these wounds ripped open
seeping out all I’d had frozen.

I don’t see you weeping, wondering
I don’t see you spinning or swirling
I can’t see your breathing slowing
speeding stomping shrieking growing

I don’t want your scars reflecting
any of this pain I’m bleeding
I can’t see your cares colliding
with any part of me that’s seething

You won’t look at words and pictures
keep them locked in rotting fixtures
I won’t see you read these letters
You won’t see me getting better.

I can’t seem to feed this absence
seal its mouth with graceful patience
I can’t seem to play the right songs
without stumbling on brand new old wrongs.

I don’t like these doors left open
bringing in what I didn’t mind missing.