Random Things: Will & Recharging

Because sometimes I just got random things to say, okay?!

Random Thing #1: God’s will

My husband hit a crisis. He was gone, he had relapsed, it was bad. He didn’t know I knew, and he was on his way home. This was it. He was going to die if he didn’t stop, and I didn’t know how to make him stop. I just wanted him to get home to me safe and alive and I would figure out what to do if God would just let me lay my eyes on him again. Alive.

Standing at the window that day, I strained to see as far down the road as I could, as if once my eyes grabbed his car, I could create protection and guide him to me, safe. I peeked between the blinds so he wouldn’t see me first; he would know that I knew and turn around and leave again. I knew knew knew that if he did, he wouldn’t come back. I didn’t breath. I was helpless. So scared that I was about to loose this man that was my all, my everything, my rock, to an evil and heartless and cold disease.

I remember wondering what is it going to take to make this stop? What is it going to take to make you not fucking die?

I had been struggling with “God’s will” for months, not able to come to terms with giving things to God, believing in His will and really having faith that His will was any better than mine. And frankly, being a bit annoyed that God always gets the last word. Somewhere in the middle of please bring him home safely-please bring him home safely-please bring him home safely I figured it out. Having faith in God’s willthat day meant understanding that while I hoped with every inch of me that ‘home’ would be mean my home, God might need to bring him to His. All at once, I realized that I trusted God much more with this than I trusted me- obviously, I couldn’t save him. I didn’t want to be the one that had to fix this, I didn’t know how; I didn’t knowwhat was best, I didn’t know what to want. My will meant nothing, I didn’t even know how to use it. Please bring him home safely suddenly meant I trust You – please take this. It was faith, and I was relieved.

He did get home, by the way, and everyday he works hard to make it safely.

I find myself praying my personal prayer a lot, for a lot of different things. Most recently, that Maddie‘s mommy and daddy make it ‘home’ and out of the dark woods that is losing a child.  ‘Safely’ with their hearts pulled back together, someday.

Random Thing #2: Recharging

I visited the crisis center today. I signed up to be a real official volunteer (with a letter of recommendation and background check and everything) and then freaked myself out and didn’t go back for two weeks. Today I had an overwhelming need to barge in there and just sit on their couch, so I did. The lady who runs the place hugged me and handed me a water bottle, like she’d been standing there waiting for me all day. She never asked where I’ve been or why I didn’t show up at the board meeting, just hugged me and said she was glad I came. I left feeling recharged and appreciated, and I didn’t even do anything. I’m supposed to be there, I know. I’ll stop fighting it soon, I’m almost certain. Did I tell you I’m kinda stubborn?